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Subject : just needed to vent, figured you all would understand... posted by sonja on Fri Nov 28, 2008 4:43 pm |
hello to whoever reads this. i stumbled across this website last night, and am very glad i found it, love the articles, message board and all of the info provided. so much as i feel this would be an appropriate place to vent my current frustrations that nobody else i know can fully understand or relate to. i will start by sharing a little about myself and what led to my current situation. considering the replies to other posts ive read here by doctors and hearing aid providers, and other knowledgeable people, i will also be as honest about what contributed to my hearing loss, as i am looking for accurate feedback. anyway. i am a 28 yr old girl, (mostly normal in the general sense of the word) have a lot of friends, love music,concerts, and joking around especially. and quite pretty-or so ive been told. about 6 months ago, i was the victim of an accidental drug overdose, as i was given what i thought was a vicodin for a bad headache by a friend, which turned out to be a very high dose of methadone (an opiate pain killer) which caused me to overdose. i actually dont remember anything that happened until i woke up in the hospital 2 1/2 weeks later. apparently when i went to sleep that night, i never woke up. luckily after some time of not answering my cell phone a friend decided to come to my house and check on me, and found me unconcious and barely breathing. i was immediatly rushed to the ER, where im not sure exactly what happened, but the decision was made to put me into a medical coma, i believe it was a "barbituate induced coma" which lasted 2 1/2 weeks. during the time i was unconcious, i apparently had many problems, such as pneumonia, kidney and liver failure and i aquired M.E.R.S.A and other serious infections. when i the dr's woke me up from this, i had no idea what had happened, was very groggy and confused and had a patch on my neck from the tracheotomy. from what i can remember of the first week or so that i was awake, i was in a dream-like state, i didnt know what was going on or what i was talking about, and could barely move. that led the dr's to believe that i had suffered some sort of brain damage. however, i was fortunate enough to be at one of the best hospitals in my area, and the dr's and therapists started rehab with me as soon as they could. i had to learn how to walk,write,eat and pretty much think coherently all over again. but, this only took 2 weeks from the time they woke me up. the whole time that i remember being in the hospital i didnt notice the extent of my hearing loss, only a very loud ringing in my ears. my neurologist told me that my hearing would come back, eventually. i had recovered to pretty much back to normal so quickly, i apparently defied the odds, and was even called a "medical merical" by one of my dr's. i was discharged from the hospital 2 weeks after they woke me up, but my total stay was a month and a half. so that brings me to the present time, 6 months later, fully recovered, healthy, functioning, however, half deaf. i didnt notice how bad my hearing loss was until i got home, and couldnt hear the tv, music or my friends talking to me unless they were pretty much yelling. VERY FRUSTRATING. i had 1 follow up visit with my neurologist, and i tried to explain to him the extent of my hearing loss, only to be told to be patient, it will come back. well. it didnt. and in my frustration i chose to get a second opinion after finding a coupon for a free hearing test by a local HA provider. im glad i did, she diagnosed me with neuralsensory hearing loss- moderate to severe. i havent asked her for the detailed audiogram, but she told me that in some frequencies i am almost deaf. she told me i was a perfect candidate for HA'a, showed me a few styles and what she thought would work best on me. she also told me that in her 15 years as a Dr, she had never seen anyone get their hearing back after this type of loss. i was devistated, since HA's are so expensive, i really dont have much money and no family to help contribute to my getting aids. however, i am incredibly resourceful, and immediatly began looking for any type of funding i could get, as being deaf was driving me nuts!!!!!!! it was so difficult for me to even hang out with my friends, i can really only talk to one person at a time, and they have to talk LOUD (which apparently makes some people very uncomfortable- and talk to me like im retarded) and i cant really hear music clearly, i cant tell what songs are playing, and that is probably one of my greater joys in life-music. i quickly realized how disabling deafness is, and how isolated me life had become. i was very fortunate to come across the Hear Now program, i applied and qualified for full funding!!!! they only cover certain styles of HA's, and originally i chose the destiny 1200 ITE, however, i apparently have "pediatric" size ear canals and was unable to get them in that style, because they cant make them that small! so, i chose to go with the destiny 1200 BTE, with a thin tube and a tiny microphone that fit in my ear. so now i wait. im not sure when ill get them, very soon ive been told. however, the frustrations of being HOH are still there. i am really trying not to isolate myself, but im not going out barely at all, i dont really call anyone as it is hard to talk on the phone, and i only have a handful of friends who have been handling this well. i have also lost a few friends, because they dont understand why i dont come around and participate in whatever is going on, i dont think they get it how frustrating it is, or maybe they dont understand how HOH i actually am. either way, ive been hurt and pissed off by this, and its so hard to explain. its hard to explain the feeling of knowing ill never hear anything normally ever again, and im going to need hearing aids forever. in this, i have learned something about myself that i didnt know, im a little more vein than i ever thought i was. i feel like im going to have a hard time dating now that im going to have aids... we all know how judgemental people can be. everyone i talked to (guys,mostly) said they would date a girl with HA's, but im sure some of them were just trying to be nice. i have always been a confident person, i never had a probelm in the past with getting dates or nice boyfriends, but now i feel like i am damaged goods. dont get me wrong, i am so very happy to be getting HA's donated to me, and i cant wait to hear again!! especially music!! however, i feel that it sets me apart in a sense, now i am "handicapped" so with all that being said (sorry for the long winded-ness, just wanted you to get the whole picture) does anyone have any advice, comments, similar feelings? if any dr's read this, any feedback on what my dr's have told me? if you actually made it to the end of this, thank you for listening. its feels good to get all that out, to an audience who can actually relate! any feedback is welcome and appriciated. thank you, sonja |
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